Old Habits

I keep falling back into old habits. Ugh! I get so darn frustrated with myself...but just can't seem to find the drive to stick with it and make the changes I need to make! I am talking about my health, my weight....and the way I look. I hate it. Some people say, just be happy with who you are. You don't have to be perfect....just be confident. Well. that's not the problem for me. I know that I am not making the best health choices right now, and not only is it affecting the way I look, it also affects the way I feel, and my overall health.

A year ago I swore I wouldn't let myself go up another size in clothes....and here I sit 2 sizes bigger:-( It's really starting to get me down and I have to find a way to snap out of it! It seems so easy for some people to just stand up and make the change. It's not that easy for me. I struggle sooooo much with making healthy habits...and sticking to them. I can make the most organized chart you can imagine....that tells me what to eat...at what time...and how much of it. But, when it comes to following the chart I am a bad girl. I keep telling myself I am not that far off...and that I can get back into shape in no time.

I thought that maybe I would have a good insentive that would help push start me in the right direction. Well, I leave in 2 days for Grand Cayman....yes...that's a beach! If that isn't enough to push me...I don't know waht it will take. I keep trying to do things that I haven't done before hoping to find what works for me.

It's sad to admit, but I think I know the real problem. I must not want it bad enough. It must not really bother me that much or I would make the change. I am bigger than I have ever been in my life. None of my clothes fit me...and I am really starting to get sad...and totally bummed out everywhere I go. I use to have so much more confidence in myslelf....and now....I have none:-(

If it's anything like and addiction then I guess I have to hit my rock bottom before I will make a change. What is my rock bottom? I dont' want to gain anymore weight. I feel like this is something that I REALLY want.....but I must not want it bad enough. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What gives?????

I am going to suck it up...and enjoy my 4 days of bliss out on a beautiful ocean...and do a little soul searching. I am happy in life right now with everything else going on. I have made a new commitment to school and am doing very well, after a few years of hell with my marriage I feel like I am finally at a place that makes sense....it might not be the perfect arrangment, but it works for me right now. All I need to to now is get my health back on track. I need to make it more of a priority in life...no questions asked:-)

When I get back from vacation I am going to start setting small/reachable goals. I seem to do better with those. Sometime I think I set myself up for failure by seeting goals that aren't realistic.

Wish me luck. I will start blogging my journey when I get back from 4 days of relaxation!!!