My ADDICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smoking!!!! I have never known a smoker that hated smoking as much as I do. I HATE everything about it. I wish I would have never tried that first one...what was I thinking??? UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I wan to quit. They say you can't do it until you are ready...OK I AM READY...have been for over a year know...so what's the freakin' problem. Some of you have quit smoking and don't see what the big deal is. Some of you have never smoked and don't get it at all. Then there are some of you that know exactly where I am coming from. Smoking might not be your addiction....but most of us have one.....sodas...carbs (OH HOW I LOVE ME SOME CARBS)....eating...sex....drugs...alchohol....internet....etc.... It's really amazing to me all of the types of addiction one can have. Why are addictions so powerful??? What makes them take hold of you and not let go? Is there something missing in my life??? Do I need this addiction to feel whole? This whole smoking thing has been on my mind so much recently. It pisses me off that I can't beat it!!! I have tried so many times to quit smoking. I have been successful for small periods of time but it always comes back to haunt me.

I am reading a book right now about a young girl who met one of her first addictions in life (DRUGS and SEX). It's a powerful book...and in some weird ways I can totally relate to her. She calls her drug of choice...meth...the MONSTER. Well, I have now met my MONSTER. It stays with you no matter what you do. It's a constant growling in the back of my head that will NOT leave me alone. Some people say...just quit!! Don't pick up the ciggs anymore...just leave them alone...no big deal. I guess this is where I have realize that I have an addictive personality and just quitting for me isn't that easy.

I have also realized that I had another MONSTER in my life...alcohol. It did ( or I guess I can say I did ) many years of damage with alcohol that I will never get back. How did I beat it? I have been sober for 2 years now....no problem. I was ready (like you are supposed to be)...I guess you could say I hit my rock bottom...and I quit! I have no desire to drink at all. NONE! My life is so much better without it. There are people that can drink socially...and the there is me....I can't drink socially...I drink to get wasted and crazy!! Too crazy...I would erase a few memories if I could LOL....but I am who I am and I strongly believe that going through that time is what made me who I am now. I am a strong woman....but not strong enough to quit smoking??? UGH!!! I can't quit thinking about it.

I thought maybe blogging about how I am feeling now would help! Maybe when my motivation drops (which it will). I can look back at this and remind myself how I feel about my addiction...or monster. I like the term monster. The way it's used in this book really reaches me. Addictions are monsters....remember what you thought of monsters when you were a kid?? Scary...out to get you....can't get rid of them....pop up out of the middle of no where and GET YOU!! Yeah...well that's about how I feel....

I am going to TRY once again....to change my life. I have done it in the past with my alcohol addiction and dagnabit I can do it with smoking!!! There are so many things I want to do and would REALLY enjoy....I just have to get there. Reaching a goal that is not close by is soooo hard. Smoking is just the first very small piece of what I want to change....but I think that is where I need to start....if I ever want to do the other things.

I have recently hurt my back ( I swear I will quit talking about that soon LOL )...but that has put a damper on a few things....mainly working out. I like working out...but why work out if all you are going to do is smoke a cigg after the workout??? HELLO!!!!!!!

So this is what I am going to attempt...I said attempt....

First I need to quit smoking...and get my body going in the right direction of healthy!! I have almost four months that could be working on that...then once my back is healed and I can get back into the gym...it will make a little more sense and I will see much better results:-) I use to do Jazzercise...LOVE IT!! It's fun...like dancing but it's a great workout too!! Now...with the whole back thing (yeah I mentioned it again) I can't do Jazzercise .... it's a lot of jumping which will only damage my back again. So...I have to find something else. YOGA!! I love if but damn is not cheap!! Well...listen to this. I spend over $150/month on the monster.......and Yoga is $115.month. It's not brain surgery!! I just need to DO IT!!!!!!!!! So...quit smoking.....start yoga....stay healthy...and there is one more thing.

I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!! Any of you that know me know how much I like to eat. Luckily I have been blessed with an ok metabolism....but just because I can eat what I want and not get HUGE!! It is still HORRIBLE for my heart....and body! So...this is a leap....but I am going to try the whole vegetarian thing....without tofu and crap.....I have heard after getting rid of meat in your diet...you feel so much better!! We will see:-)

no smoking
YOGA (ummmmm...ummmmm...lol)
no meat!

I can do this!!! It is possible...I know this too! I just have to get off my ass and make it happen...no one is going to do it for me...Gosh, I wish they could though...that would be nice!!

No promises...but these are my goals over the next 6 months:-) I will keep updates on my struggles ad accomplishments!!!